Sweet Heart

I sat with the sweetest angel today.
I was completely unprepared when I walked into her room. Emotion came over me so strong when I saw my sister, my Abby, lying so pale and still. There are tubes and IV's coming out of everywhere and bandages all over her chest. Poles and poles of monitors and fluid bags and medicine bags and blood pressure cuffs surround her bed and attach to the dozens of tubes. A big screen above her bed shows the beats of her heart.
I reached her bed and leaned over her, tears streaming down my face in gratitude that she made it through okay. She flopped her beautiful face over to me, her mind still hazy from all the drugs and gave me the sweetest smile. "That's the biggest smile she's given anyone all day." My dad said. I told her about the flowers I brought her that aren't allowed in her PICU room. She fluttered her eyes and went back to sleep.
Later I sat with just her and me in the room, holding her hand and stroking her hair. Emotion washed over me again. Part of me thinks "how is this fair?" and the other part whispers "you only feel love like this when you go through hard things like this." I'm so grateful to feel that kind of love.
I took the pink stethoscope off one of the poles and listened to her heart. Her beautiful, working heart. It sounds different than it used to, because now it works better than it used to. Then I held her hand again and joy rushed through me at the feel of her pulse beating against my palm.
I testify of the Savior Jesus Christ, who's heart once stopped and then began to beat again. I know He lives. I know His hands were in the events of today. I'm so thankful that had something gone wrong, or if something ever goes wrong with anyone in my family in the future, we are forever. Our hearts are sealed together forever. I'm reminded of the words of my mama's favorite hymn:
"Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."

Thinks

I have two new favorite Jamba flavors. This is a big deal, because for the last while I've switched between Razzmatazz and Caribbean Passion after an unfortunate experience trying a new flavor. (Fruity Pebbles, off the secret menu, NEVER TRY IT.)
-STRAWBERRIES WILD
-PEACH PLEASURE
New loves.

I had Salmon for dinner tonight. With lemon pepper on it. Delish.

Classes are so good, minus still trying to switch my music class. This semester will be great. My D&C professor is blind so naturally he has the entire book memorized. He has the most amazing spirit about him.

Work is getting better. I'm learning how to problem solve very fast while gaining empathy for peons and slaves.
We had a bowl of apples and a bowl of oranges on my counter this week for anyone to take. My dream is to sometime have a bouquet of flowers there delivered to me. Ha.

I LOVE my ward. L O V E. Bishopric=awesome.

I burned my first CD ever to listen to while driving around in Jiffy. The first song on there is Good Life by onerepublic (which I edit, what's the point of profanity in songs anyway.)

I was talking with a dear friend and past roommate today. We were talking about how some people are "that boy" or "that girl", you know, the one in the class or ward who is very physically attractive and seems to pull people in like a magnet and everybody wants to be dating him/her and they become some sort of social icon. I've decided I want to be "that girl" for someone. Certainly not everyone, but someday there will be someone who sees me and thinks I'm wonderful exactly the way I stand today, and goes out of his way to cross paths with me and is nervous to ask my name and goes home and tells his friends "I met this girl today..." I'm not going to worry about him anymore. I'm just going to wait for him.

Tomorrow is Heart Day, Abby is having her surgery at 8 a.m. I will be getting ready for work and school. Someday I'll be the nurse helping some little girl like her. My heart will be with her heart while the rest of my body is in Provo.

these are my thinks.

Love,
Bethany and her Strawberries Wild Smoothie

Fish

When I was getting ready to graduate high school, a financial issue occurred: BYU accidentally charged me twice for my first housing payment, and then told me it would be a month before they could send one of the payments back to my account. This wouldn't have been a huge issue except I owed the high school some fees and they wouldn't let me graduate until they were paid. I was distraught.
At this time, I was taking the CNA course through the technology college, giving me high school and college credit. I was very good friends with my CNA instructor, such good friends in fact that we would text each other sometimes. Well she and I were texting and she heard this dilemma I was in and said "What are you going to do??" I told her I would have to trust in the Lord and wait for Him to send me money in a fish.
If you haven't already heard, there is a story of the early Latter Day Saints who were trying to evacuate Nauvoo to escape the mobs but didn't have enough money to cross the Mississippi by ferry. With faith they prayed and asked for help to solve this problem, and then went fishing to catch their dinner. When gutting the catch, they found that the fish belly was full of coins, enough to pay the fare to cross the river.
It so happened that this CNA teacher was a member of the Fish teaching method, and so she had a stuffed toy fish that hung out in our classroom and we would periodically hide it from her because we thought we were soooo funny.
The next day I came to the last CNA class and this teacher slipped me the toy fish taped to envelope. Inside the envelope was the exact amount I needed to pay my fees and fix my accounts.
Heavenly Father sent me money in a fish like the early Saints!

My dad gave me a blessing later and told me that there are more fish waiting for me than I could ever imagine. Today, I got another fish. I have a dear, dear friend who has been very generous with me to aid in this time when Abby is recovering from her heart surgery. I will now be able to get to and from Abby and school quickly and dependably. I am so blessed.

To this beautiful, incredible friend: thank you so so much. You continue to answer prayers and be a miracle worker every day. Love you.

Love.

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."

-Marilyn Monroe

Bad Day.

It was a bad day today.

Woke up late.

Walked the 30 minutes from my apartment to work. Asked for bandaids for the new blisters I had acquired on the walk.

Mean boss lady told me I wasn't courteous because I answered the phone with "Hello?" instead of "Career Services, this is Bethany." Sorry, I was feeling a little flustered with everything else you were yelling at me for.

Got bit by a spider. (this actually happened a few days ago) but today you can see the two little dots where the fangs went in.

Looking at everything for my nursing application, feeling depressed because all the official people keep telling me I'm not good enough and I can't be a nurse and blah blah. Nothing like taking a girl's lifelong dream and sitting on it. Maybe you and the mean boss lady can team up and write a book on how to Break Bethany's Heart in 3 Words or Less. Or perhaps, Get A New Dream Because We're Your Worst Nightmare.

Sorry that was bitter.

It was a miracle I made it home, because I kept alternating between walking barefoot and walking with my shoes half on, because being barefoot meant the bottoms of my feet were burned by the hot pavement and wearing shoes meant getting more blisters. So now I have both. I'm going to nickname the blisters "mean boss lady" and the burned soles "nursing advisement."

Don't worry, the day wasn't a complete loss, because I bought myself a 16 ounce Razzmatazz Jamba Juice on the way home. I love Jamba Juice more than any other edible thing. And the cashier flirted with me. I did not flirt back because my feet hurt and he was dumb enough to ask me where I work.

I'm grateful I have feet. I'm grateful I have a job. I'm grateful I get to go to BYU. I'm grateful I have the ability to walk. I'm grateful it wasn't raining. Or snowing. And I didn't get hit by a car crossing one of the 4 crosswalks. And I'm grateful that I could pray to Heavenly Father the entire time I was walking home upset. And I'm grateful my mom listened to me whine. And I'm grateful for my cute roommates who sat with me while I cried about how my day was dumb. And I'm grateful there are other nursing schools in the world if I have to go somewhere else. And I'm grateful for Jamba Juice.

Thanks Anyway!

Email this morning from Zions Bank:

"You've received a $5.00 cash back reward from one of your purchases!

See a complete list of places that gain you cash back blah blah blah....

*rewards will be added to your account as early as next month, and there will be a $2.50 processing fee"

Thanks anyway.

New Beginnings

I'm here! All moved in to my new apartment in Provo, start my new job tomorrow morning, with 4 new roommates, a new computer, new goals and the year holds a lot of potential.

Sweet dear Lauren who spent the day with me, carrying 2 ton boxes, brought me Kasteler cookies, went grocery shopping with me, gave me hugs and support....there's nobody like her

This is Heather, pretending to be Holly, because Holly is on a date with someone who thinks he's on a date with Heather...

My beautiful half

The most adorable room decor I made of me and Em

My Love Wall.

and last but CERTAINLY not least....the Ruby II's!! Got them today :)

Holding On

If I had to move away, if I had to pack a box today
There are some things I'd have to let go before I headed down the
interstate. My favorite dress that doesn't fit anymore, and all the papers in my
old desk drawer

Bad habits and old grudges, I'd take them all to the second hand store.
But there's a list of things I'd have to take with me
No matter how long this winding road turns out to be

I'm holding on to the valentines
And letters I've read a thousand times that say
"We believe in you," and "never give up your dreams."
I'm holding on to my own backyard
I hope that I can fit it all in my car
When the whole world's letting go
I'll keep holding on

You can't keep a harvest moon, it fades away all too soon
And even the trees let go of their leaves much quicker than you'd ever
choose So many people say goodbye, I see those teardrops in their eyes
And I start to wonder how I'd live without love
And I'm glad I never have to try
Cause hardly anything lasts forever anymore
But there will always be a few things that I'm gonna keep fighting for

I'm holding on to my father's love
And my mother's faith in God above
She says "We believe in you," and "never give up your dreams."
I'm holding on to my true love's hand
And I know that he will always understand
When the whole world's letting go
I'll keep holding on

Shooting stars and red balloons
Ice cream cones and breezy Junes
I love them all, I hold them dear, but they so quickly disappear
These are the things I'll keep with me, no matter where my life will
lead me A loving word, a gentle kiss, I need nothing more than this

I'm holding on to the valentines
And letters I've read a thousand times that say
"We believe in you," and "never give up your dreams."
I'm holding on to my own backyard
I hope that I can fit it all in my car
When the whole world's letting go
I'll keep holding on
I'm holding on to my father's love
And my mother's faith in God above
She says "We believe in you," and "never give up your dreams."
I'm holding on to my true love's hand
And I know that he will always understand
When the whole world's letting go
I'll keep holding on

-Cherie Call

The End

To commemorate the hardest job I have ever had (and also probably the one I have loved the most), I am going to share the (appropriate) quotes from residents I have heard over the summer:

"You're a 20 year old girl bathing a 75 year old man?!"
"You're too pretty to be crazy...you're the one all the boys have been talking about."
"I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating crackers."
"Darling...I had a dream about you, a daydream. We had an encounter."
"Your eyes are hypnotizing."
"You will marry me when I get out of here."
"Please don't throw away my dog."
"Excuse me, my wife is insane."
"I feel like I just had a horse."
"There's some wind blowing through the windy city!"

names I have been called:

Stephanie
Daphne
Rosalie
Becky
Bethemphetamine
Beckany
Ecstasy Eyes
Kid
The Mood Changer
Sweet Angel
Cyndy
Mallorie
The Mormon
Sunshine
Hey, You!
Nurse
Nurse Aid
Darling
Love
Friend
Babe

Things I have learned:

Sometimes, it is easier to dispose of linens than it is to wash them....
If you can't get a patient to open their mouth, ask them to say "cow"
It's okay to ask for help
I can do more than I knew I could
Singing helps calm scared people down, even when they're 80 years old
Don't try to transfer a 300+ pound person by yourself
I am in control of myself. (The other aides told me my first week that I would gain a potty mouth while working there. Never did)
I can be brave
I can do hard things
You love those whom you serve.

Truth

Today.

Today was a difficult day. My mother says it's because I am grieving the stuff going on with my sweet Abby. I'm normally a pretty positive, happy person. In the medical field, they have you rate your pain on a scale of 1-10, 1 being oh dang I got flicked on the forehead and 10 being MY LEG IS BEING RIPPED OFF WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY HAVING HOT IRONS PRESSED INTO MY EYES.
Today was kind of a 7 on the emotional pain scale. Life just felt too hard. I had a good cry. I sort of stopped crying when I went to college. I can probably count the number of times on one hand that I cried while at school. So I was overdue.
Part of it was because of Abby. She is a golden person. She is naturally kind, naturally sweet, naturally loving. We are exactly 10 years apart and have always been very close. She makes me laugh and cuddles with me and writes me letters and draws me pictures. I took her to buy her baptism dress when she turned 8 and the radio kept playing Uncle Kracker's "You Make Me Smile", so now that's our special song. (Except she mixes the lyrics and sings "you make me smile like a bee, spin like the sun..." it's very entertaining) My heart is broken for her heart.
Another part of it was because I let the Adversary whisper mean things to me about myself. I've gotten pretty good at not listening to his lies but today I was vulnerable. It's an awful, awful feeling to believe those lies, even for a minute. I have to remember that I define myself by what the Savior thinks of me.
So, my motto continues to be: If you don't feel happy, feel grateful. I'm hoping this attitude of gratitude can wash over that number 7 I'm at and help me feel some joy again. There is so, so much joy to be felt.

On the funny side. Tonight at work I got the worst hiccups. SO BAD. I was getting a headache they were that hard core. Some of you know about my special lady that I take care of, she's a quadriplegic and she and I have become such good friends. Anywho, I was putting her roommate to bed and hiccuping all the while. My friend said "Hey, Bethany, there's something wrong with my eyebrow, will you come look real quick?" Me thinking: "seriously? Her eyebrow?? Can't that wait until I'm done with this?" So I go over there and get super close to her face to check her eyebrow and..."BOO!!" I totally screamed and jumped. Then she said "Did it work?" To which I promptly replied with a loud hiccup, followed by outrageous giggling at what she had just tried to pull.
Being a CNA is fun.
(sometimes)

no title

Life feels too hard today.

Andrew

Andrew moved away today.
He's starting school in Cedar City on Monday.
I'm going to miss the way he leaves the toilet seat up, even after I yell at him about it. (And he has never yelled back, he just says "okay")
I'm going to miss turning off the lights in the laundry room that he always leaves on.
I'm going to miss seeing him asleep in the basement when I go down there.
I'm going to miss hearing his so happy laugh from the basement when he's watching funny youtube videos.
I'm going to miss hearing the way he walks
I'm going to miss how he turns up the air conditioner in the middle of the night so I freeze.
I'm going to miss how he comes and sits on my bed or my rocking chair and we discuss oh so important things.
I'm going to miss his hat
and his smile
and dodging his car when I'm pulling in to the garage
and how he leaves treats on the table after work
and when he comes and asks me to go to Wal Mart in the wee hours
or takes me on dates to Denny's
and when he asks me advice about stuff, like college and what not.
I'm going to miss when he gives me advice, about boys and what not.
I'm going to miss him telling me I'm pretty
and thinking my work stories are hilarious
and the way he absently spins his cell phone when he's bored
or bounces his leg up and down when he's sitting.
I'm going to miss the mail about journalism and writing
and his stacks of books.
Andrew, I love you. I believe in you.

Tell you I set you apart

I want to talk about somebody.
She's beautiful.
BEAUTIFUL. In every single way.
And I've been thinking about her a lot lately.
It broke my heart when she picked Utah State instead of BYU
because I was being selfish and wanted her to stay with me.
I met her when I was a sophomore in high school. I went to a different middle school than everyone else so I was praying for friends. She was the answer.
She bakes the most delicious cookies.
And gives the very best, most sincere hugs.
And she's possibly the most selfless person on the planet.
And she glows. She shines.
One time, she drove from Logan to Provo because she needed to tell me something that was weighing on her heart.
And we both cried in my room when she told me.
In my family, I have three sisters.
But, outside my family, I have another sister.
I can honestly and truly tell her anything, and she stands by me through the worst days and the best days, even when she herself has a lot of worst days.
I'm not as good a friend to her as she is to me, I think.
We laugh together.
A LOT.
And she is very dear and close to my heart.
And I love her forever.

Heart Hero

January 2002, 1st surgery

See this beautiful girl. She's the bravest almost-10-year-old I know.

She's having her 2nd open heart surgery on August 31st.

Follow her story and get your questions answered on carepages.com, search 'hearthero'

And please pray
<3

Trademark

Anyone who knows me well knows my trademark is red high heels. (usually accompanied with red lipstick)

Anyone who knows me or has even seen me knows I'm 5'11'' barefoot.

And then I put on the trademark....and I find myself wishing I had unlimited access to the BYU Basketball team in order to find dates tall enough.

I've been told once, while wearing the red high heels, "Will you please take those off? You're too tall." (That only makes me love wearing them even more)

The original heels, Ruby, have been retired. I love them. See the cracks running down the sides? They were well worn, well loved.

I went on a mad hunt at the mall today for Ruby II. I literally went to every shoe store in the whole place. I couldn't find my Ruby II's. So...I came home with:

I call them the Crimson Line.
and I'm not sure if I'm keeping them.

1. Because my mother doesn't approve (she thinks they're ostentatious compared to the Ruby's)
2. Because they just aren't the same
3. Look at how much higher they are!

Oh Ruby II's...where are you???

Rebel

I didn't wear any makeup today.

At. All.

Sometimes, I say I have no makeup on, and really I have leftovers from yesterday or I put on the bare minimum.

AND, I went to work. The retail, talking to people, look nice work, not the messysweatywhocaresI'maCNA work. I woke up, showered, did my hair, put on my scrubs, and that was it.

And I felt beautiful.

Sunflowers

are not my absolute most favorite flower. My absolute most favorite are white starburst lilies, because they remind me of that scripture "consider the lilies of the field..." and they help me remember the Lord provides for and takes care of me.

but back to sunflowers

I LOVE THEM.

On my last birthday, my mom focused the entire celebration around sunflowers. All my gifts had something to do with sunflowers, or were wrapped in flower paper, or tied with sunflower ribbon. I was given Richard Paul Evan's novel The Sunflower which is one of my most favorite books, and sunflower seeds, and a sunflower computer pad....I just love them. A lot of different people in my life, none of whom know each other, have picked up calling me "Sunshine", so I consider sunflowers to be my symbol.

Sunflowers mean a lot. Think about where you often see sunflowers growing: the side of highways, dirty fields, weedy patches. Sunflowers are tough. They survive in hard circumstances, and still look to the sun.

I've decided to be like a sunflower. Regardless of where I'm planted, I am going to look to the Son. And maybe drop a few seeds along the way.

I'm so Happy...

...with my life right now. I feel so blessed, so content. Here's where it started:

I went on Trek with my little sisters as a medic. Had a blast pulling out slivers, bandaging blisters, administering barrier cream for chafing, and threatening everyone to either drink water or get an IV. (No really, I taped an IV needle to my hat. And guess what? Everybody stayed hydrated!)
Aside from the medical stuff, I got to have a beautiful experience with my sisters. Remember the previous post about how pioneers are a big deal in my family? Trek was extra special because I was with them, especially the Women's Pull. I will never forget the feeling when I finally reached the top of the hill and saw my Emily running towards me, tears streaming down her face. The two of us then ran back down the hill to get Chloe and helped push her handcart up, because we weren't about to leave our sister without us.

The Sunday after Trek we had a combined lesson for Relief Society/Priesthood taught by the Bishop and his wife in my single's ward. Sister Sheppard taught a lesson on feeling content in our lives, and she shared a scripture that has really stuck with me:

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned,
in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
-Phillipians 4:11

And it is so true! All of us have something we wish we had that we don't. People who are single wish they were married. (Some people who are married wish they were single) People who have jobs wish they didn't have to work, people without jobs wish they could work. People think "I'll be happy when _____" or "Life will be better when__________". The key is to be happy with whatever you've got going on now. Of COURSE there will always be things you wish you could change, but it's the process of finding joy in the quirks and imperfections that make life fun.

Then, I started a mad job hunt in Provo because school is starting (YES!!) and I knew that pretty soon 30 thousand college kids would descend and snatch up all the jobs so I better get on it! So I spent an entire day in Provo with a stack of resumes in hand, applying everywhere I was interested or looked like potential employers. I did the whole thing right, went dressed well and called everywhere back a few days later but....nothing. So I did it again! With a new stack of resumes and a new list of places to try, I went down to Provo. And let me tell you something, the Lord knows better than I do what is good for me. I was devastated when I didn't get a job I really wanted, and was instead blessed with the best job for me: folks, you are reading the words of the BYU Law School's newest secretary, and I am stoked about it. The schedule is perfect and it's on campus so I can walk.

I know the Lord blesses me a million times everyday. I'm so thankful for the smaller, everyday blessings I receive, like getting to work on time or being able to laugh at myself when I do something embarrassing. He is in every aspect of my life, and I am therewith content.