Good Things to Come

Monday, I took my first test of the semester. I walked in totally confident. I understood the content in class, studied all the material, not to mention I see the situations in real life at work all the time. (Hint: objects in hospital are much different than objects in class.)

I walked out totally, utterly deflated. Thoughts of I will never pass the NCLEX and Worst nurse ever floated around in my head as tears rolled down my cheeks.

Benji came home and I cried to him and just felt stuck. There really wasn't much more I could have done to prepare, so I already felt doomed for the rest of the semester.

He told me to pick a number between 1 and 10. Then he told me to pick a number between 2 and 8.
Coincidentally, we sang Dearest Children, God is Near You Hymn #96 for family home evening. The lyrics were perfect and calmed my soul.

Then, Benji pulled up this Mormon Message which we had both seen before, but was nonetheless very opportune. After it was over he hugged me and helped me picture a life years ahead of us, when I will be a full blown nurse and we will sit down to dinner with all of our little kids I can't hardly wait to meet. He's a winner, I tell ya.

SO MUCH of a winner that he scored an internship. In Africa. For three months. ALL summer. Please feel free to forward me every story of every pioneer wife who sent her husband on a mission. They had no email and often no idea when the mission would end, so I'm already way better off than them. But still. 

Anywho. If you have or haven't seen that Mormon Message before, just go watch it. Its actually the message that got me through the years of striving to even get in to nursing school. Whatever your life looks like right now, have hope. Fresh courage take. There are always good things to come.

Be Real

Sunday was Stake Conference. Actually, regional stake conference. One of those where Apostles come and speak and it is broadcast all over. I prayed all week that I would be receptive to the messages, but I didn't really have anything specific on my mind, no pressing questions, just an open heart.

I worked half of a shift-6 hours-then rushed home and changed and walked to the church with Benji. (I love sitting next to that guy in church. He sings so pretty.) We sat down to listen, and I kind of had a "ho hum" attitude. Lovely little day.

Then Elder Richard G. Scott stood up. He said, "I wish I could have a personal interview with each of you. We could weep and laugh and talk about everything in your life. Of course, that is impossible for me. But there is One who it is not impossible for..." and I just started to cry. I'm a visual person, and Elder Scott painted this picture of me sitting down with Heavenly Father just to talk, to laugh, to cry. I realized that I often pray with a mask on. For some reason, I feel like I can't just say it like it is. "So. School and work and life are really hard right now." I always feel like I have to put on my brave face when I'm praying: "Thank thee for all the things that I really don't like." Not that gratitude isn't important, (in fact, Elder Scott discussed gratitude later in his talk) but what I needed to remember was to be real. 

God is literally my Father. 

and yours.

I call my mom all the time and spill my whole soul to her. I email my dad with questions often. When Benj and I go home on the weekends, we all sit and talk and I tell them everything. I should be at least as comfortable with the Father of my very soul as I am with my earthly parents.

So in the two days since I heard that talk, I've been striving to be real. When I went home from stake conference, I knelt and prayed. It started something like this: Dear Heavenly Father. I just want a baby so bad. And nursing school is way hard. And I'm tired. And I can't find time for all the things I'm "supposed" to do. And I'm trying to pray better..."

And without my brave face on, I felt very, very free.

Summertime and School and Things.

So. Our Summer was perfect. Choose one of the sentences below to describe it:

A. We should never have bought groceries, because they always expired while we were away.
B. If spontaneity is the food of love, go somewhere unexpected right now.
C. The only thing cars are good for is to pay money to get them fixed.
D. Getting married was the best idea we ever had.
E. It's raining Thank You notes, alleluia!


We went to Costa Rica, Mexico, Idaho (twice), camping in Mona, and home to Sandy more times than we can count. We fixed my car twice (or was it three times?) and I am STILL working on thank-you notes from our bridal showers and wedding (I'm so sorry....). Benji learned to put up with my new-fangled ideas about food. We opened a bank account. We organized all of our stuffs. We went to the Aquarium. I refrained from blogging. Sometimes we went to work. We bought a rug. Benji smashed a lot of spiders in our bathroom. We read scriptures every night. Benji made funny voices while reading scriptures every night. We both got callings in our Ward. I hung pictures on the walls. We went to movies.

And then, like the feeling you get on December 26th, school started. And for probably the first time in my life, I did NOT want to go back to school. I didn't want to buy books. I didn't want to label notebooks. I didn't even want to pull my BYU School of Nursing scrubs out of the closet. To all this Benji replied, "Oh no. I'm rubbing off on you."

Turns out, my fears had good reason. School has been in session a total of 4 days and I've already been hugged by a professor because I was teary, lost my student nurse name badge, AND turned in an assignment late. Its a weird feeling to know that I will be a good nurse, but to feel totally inadequate at nursing school. 

Side note: as I am typing this, Benji is across the room and just spontaneously began singing a made up song that goes like this: "I love my wife! So much! Even if she's not looking at me right now!" Yes. This is normal. I love it.

Anyway. I am trying to do the whole "one day at a time" thing, but I feel like a goldfish that was so excited it leaped out of its bowl and landed on the carpet. Orange, rough, scraggly carpet from the 70s. And now I'm gulping for air with one eye wide open.

Benji, on the other hand, is doing swimmingly. He likes his international/refugee/save the public health classes. He's halfway through finding a solution to Ebola. Not really, but maybe someday. (His whole mission was closed because of the epidemic. Please pray for West Africa.)

The scripture that is currently carrying me through my stress and worries is this, Alma 14:28

 28 And Alma and Amulek came forth out of the prison, and they were not hurt; for the Lord had granted unto them power, according to their faith which was in Christ. And they straightway came forth out of the prison; and they were loosed from theirbands; and the prison had fallen to the earth, and every soul within the walls thereof, save it were Alma and Amulek, was slain; and they straightway came forth into the city.

Not that nursing school is a prison. Or that I want the SWKT to fall to the earth and kill everyone except me. (Although, that would be good emergency response practice.) But I am channeling my faith to give me power to accomplish school, work, and joy. And I have already felt the power this verse speaks of, helping me to feel calm. 

And thats about it. If you need me, I will be reading about lung function and avoiding ALS ice bucket challenge requests. And laughing at Benji.