Awake, my soul!

Guess what. As it turns out, a month before you get married is a really horrible time to pray and ask God to show you your weaknesses.

Buuuuuuuuut I didn't think about that, I just wanted to find things to keep working on and improving and becoming better.

But when you are about to get married, it is not a good time to feel inadequate!!! And I have not mastered the difference between "This is my weakness. How can I make it a strength?" and "Oh I am so weak and horrible and bad at this, thus I am a bad person thus I am worthless thus this thus that on and on...."

However, Benji is perfection and he is very good at reversing my episodes of stress and worry and feeling very badly about myself. He looks at me and says, "Hey. Where did that thought come from?" Because usually, I am in the middle of believing a lie, sent by the Adversary, to destroy my peace and prevent my happiness.

For example:
THOUGHT: I am going to be horrible at being a wife.
Identify, where did it come from? Satan, the father of all lies
Why? What is it's purpose? To make me feel inadequate, afraid, to rob me of faith, to cause me to feel miserable, to prevent the union that will create an Eternal family
Reverse the lie: I am not perfect. But I am good at many things. I have faith that God will make more of me than I can make of myself, and I will be a loving wife.

So daily I am trying to sort out the truths from the lies and not let anxiety and fear dictate my behaviors. I have been following this pattern of identification and reversal, and telling my mind truths over and over. We need to tell ourselves truths; the world is hurling lies at us all the time. I feel a little like the prophet Nephi, when he said:


17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

and then later, he says:


 27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

 28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

So even though I still want to be shown my weaknesses and continually improve myself and conquer my faults, I am striving to not make room in my heart and mind for negative thoughts and destructive lies. It takes a lot of energy, but I do not have room for the enemy of my soul.

In other news, I'm marrying Benji in 23 days.

Some things

Everyone, be grateful for something about your body today, because someone somewhere doesn't have that thing.

Like bendy knees and elbows
or dexterous hands
or the ability to talk.

We are really so blessed, you know?

Also, I'm weird about dates. It took about two weeks for me to decide what day I wanted to get married. I did not want a weekend. I did not want an odd number, unless it was 1 or 31. I even struggle with May being a 5, so I just write it out 'May 14, 2014' instead of '5.14.14' *shudder*. Benji in his sweetness finally said "Well should we wait until June??" (just so I could have a 6) and I said no. I could toughen up. So I picked the 14th because its a Wednesday and the 14's look good together. And I  do feel really bad for everyone coming from out of town who will miss extra work and school because I have a disorder. Thank you.

And, I really really know the Church is true. It just is. I can feel it. It makes sense. It brings peace. It gives me hope when things feel hopeless. It is a perfect Church made up of a lot of imperfect people. Sometimes those imperfect people say or do unkind or inappropriate things. I'm sorry. I'm glad we all have the chance to try again when we mess up. I'm glad we're all human and understand what its like to be human. But the Church is still the true church on the earth today, literally run by Jesus Christ Himself, even if the members are human. We're all just striving.

and, Jesus Christ lives. He is a living, working, loving person. He knows you, everything about you. and He LOVES you for it. You can't do anything to make Him stop loving you. He will make you whole.

and, I'm grateful for spring blossoms and colors and trees and birds chirping.

That's all.