I've Come a Long Way!

So. I didn't get in to nursing school. Again.

I really, REALLY, believed I would get in this time. Hardly anyone doesn't get in their second try.

    But there is beauty in every loss. One of the major beauties of this loss is how different it is from last year when I got the rejection email. Last year, I cried and cried and felt worthless as a person, hopeless, desperate, and confused.

     This year, I cried. I cried because it meant I still have to keep fighting for this dream of mine, and now the path is unclear and there is much more work to do. But I didn't base my self worth on being accepted to nursing school. I have hope. How exciting to be able to look at so many other potential programs and meet new people and have new adventures. How wonderful that I got to go to BYU and meet friends who have changed my life and will be my friends forever, but now I get to move on and keep being a mover and a shaker in other schools, with other people, and make more life changing friends. Seriously, it's unreal how blessed I am.

     I'm so thankful for my Savior. I've been praying for months that 1. I would get in, but 2. if I didn't, help me to have hope and courage and trust and make a new plan. And He has helped me do just that. I can honestly say I did the very best I could do, and obviously BYU Nursing School was not in the plan for me. That is okay!! I truly feel okay. Nervous, but blessed.

All the Souls

I had a special experience today, on my birthday.

I was at work. I saw the Priesthood brethren who bring the Sacrament to the LDS families in the hospital pass. I grabbed one and told him I hadn't had the Sacrament yet today.

So just me and these two brethren went into an empty room and they blessed the Sacrament for me.

And when they said "for all the souls who partake of it" it occurred to me that right then, at that moment, I was the only soul they were blessing it for. Just me.

The Savior is the same. He would have performed the Atonement, the saving Atonement, just for me. He would have done it, just for you. One soul was worth it to Him.

But, He did it for All the Souls. No one is exempt. You cannot go beyond the reaches of His Atonement. All the Souls.

It was a birthday gift to me.

Twenty One

Well, now what am I going to do. My whole life I wanted to be 21 and now I'm 21?! Sheesh! I've only got 365 days to be my favorite number!

So in the spirit of Living it Up this year, here are Twenty One things I have been so grateful for this year.

1. Jesus Christ, His gospel, His Atonement for me, His scriptures that bring me peace,  and the organization of His church. Number One.

2. Them. We are whole.

3. The Temples. And that I have 5 within 30 minutes of me. FIVE! That is unreal. 

4. That there are only 4 days left.

5 and 6. The Hymns which bring me peace and help me not feel lonely when I'm alone, and technology. My perspective, as a medical person who had to miss 3 sessions of General Conference because of work, is so grateful for technology so I didn't really miss it at all. Also, GPS systems, texting, calling, photo sharing....I love technology.

7. (This is not my nose, FYI) Noses!! I LOVE things that smell good. Smells can take me back to so many happy memories. I'm also grateful for my other senses, sight, touch, taste, and hearing.

8. My job on the Infant Medical Surgical Unit at Primary Children's!! I adore the people I work with, my patients, the atmosphere, the hope, everything. I keep learning and growing and I am so grateful. 

                     
                                    

9. This is just to represent all of my truly fabulous, faithful, loyal, be-there-for-you dear friends. I wish I could name or picture all of you who have given advice, offered prayers, hugged me, cried with me, hoped for me, been excited with me, and supported me. (This also includes my mom's friends who have become my dear friends. I love you!)

10. For when I need to celebrate something or when I need to feel better about something. Jamba is my pal. 

11. We've come a long way, BYU and I. We began at where I was a little obsessive and adored the place, to last year where I struggled to find anything I liked about it at all. Turns out it was me, not my awesome school, that had a problem. Go figure. I love going to school here and all the opportunities I've had and all that I've learned. 

12. Blogger!!! I love blogging. I love typing out my thoughts and sharing them. I love posting about my testimony. I love that words have power. 

13. Albus. My car. Takes me everywhere I need to go, from Provo to Salt Lake to Murray to Sandy and back again. So good to me. 

14. I don't have a good photo for this, but I am so grateful for my aunts. They offer me so much love and advice and willingness to serve. I'm especially grateful for my mom's sister, who is her dearest friend and gives her so much strength. 

15. What I have learned about the power of thoughts. I'm not perfect, but I have been able to dramatically change my life by changing the way I think. I am so grateful.

16. Laughter!! I am so grateful for every time I laugh, alone or with friends or family. This goes along with the power of thoughts. Laughter+thoughts=secret to life.

17. The Fall. I love being an October baby. I love that portion of mountain by Holladay that I drive past on my way home from the hospital that takes my breath away every.single.time. 

18. My hands. They have excema, they are rather big, they have callouses, the pinkies are disproportionately short compared to the rest of my fingers, but they can do so much good. They can play the violin, make food, hold a pencil, send a text, type on a computer, reach for a baby, comfort a friend, and turn the pages of my scriptures. If you think about it, my hands are really the only part of myself I see as long as I'm not staring at my feet. Love them. So grateful for them. 

19. EFY. Best summer of my life. I went home after my first week and prayed that if there was a career where I could do this for the rest of my life, please help me to find it. The beauty is this: it doesn't have to be a career. I can teach the gospel, share my testimony, and love the youth always. 

20. My parents' marriage. I'm grateful they keep their covenants and are devoted to each other and our family. I'm thankful that they have taught me the truth and been such lovely examples. 

21. Me. I'm grateful for me. I'm grateful for my testimony. I'm grateful I know that I'm a daughter of God. I'm grateful that I can do hard things. I'm grateful for my whole life. Everything is so beautiful. I'm grateful for this life. And I CANNOT WAIT to see what 21 is going to do with me!! 

6 Years

6 years ago I was at a pumpkin patch.
While I was picking out my perfect orange beauty with my best friend Anna, Andrew was being told he probably had cancer.
So they gave him a biopsy.
And two days later, while I was taking my freshly opened birthday presents upstairs, I heard him tell my little sisters about the bone cancer in his leg.

We didn't know that he would never go back to school.
We didn't know that pediatric cancer is a whole different ball game than adult cancer, and that his cancer, Osteosarcoma, is in a class and regimen of its own.
We didn't know that we needed to accept all the offered help.
We didn't know that saying "We're fine" wasn't doing us any favors.
We didn't know how expensive living in a hospital is.
We didn't know what resources we had at our disposal, if we had asked.

We didn't know the nurses and doctors would become our family.
We didn't know that we were about to develop a whole new vocabulary. (EMLA, Cisplatin, mucositis, Methotrexate, portacath, hyperbaric, Vancomycin, the list goes on....)
We didn't know that one year would become two, and two would become three.
We didn't know that he would get too weak to read, or talk, or watch movies.
And speaking of movies, we didn't know that there are some we would stop watching forever, because it was too raw, too painful.
We didn't know that Andrew would be spitting up blood while trying to smile opening presents Christmas morning.

We didn't know that angels will truly stay with you, minister to you, and help you. They will be on your right hand and on your left.
We didn't know that many of those angels were the people we already knew, who stepped up to the plate, even when we said "we're fine."
Before cancer, we didn't know how much we loved just being together, all 7 of us (until Nate came along right in the middle of it) and watching movies, laughing, talking, driving, anything.
We didn't know that Nate would be our joy in the middle of pain.

But now I know.
I know that you don't ask what you can do, you find something to do and do it.
You ALWAYS smile at the people you pass. Who knows what their life is like.
I know what is real. What matters.
I know that you don't just heal after something like that. We are still healing.
I know never to believe "we're fine."
I know that the Savior never abandoned us.
I know that Andrew is strong. My strong, brave, triumphant big brother.

I know that I am a better person because of this hard thing we lived.
Here's to many, many more years.

Promises promises....

Okay, Friends.

I made you a bang promise

and I am STILL keeping that promise

.

.

.

.

BUT LOOK AT THIS PHOTO.

It was taken first day of school 2011.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

to grow. or not to grow.

that is the question.

(I should not look at old photos.)

(8 days)

My Beautiful Life

Monday: Worked. See previous post.

Tuesday: School. Missed Kaitlyn.

Wednesday: Internship hours at IMC. Then surprised Abby for her birthday and checked her out of school. We went shopping. Then to Sweet Tooth Fairy. Then we went and hiked the Y per her request. The Fall colors were magnificent. It was beautiful. We finished the evening with Texas Roadhouse. I love my sweet 11 year old.

Thursday: woke up late. Missed my first class. First missed class of the semester! Went and got to nanny my sweet baby with the curly hair.

Friday: More internship hours. Ditched out at noon to run and play Belle at a sweet girls' birthday party. It was SO fun. I asked them to email me photos...so photos forthcoming. Left and returned to IMC for more internship hours. Then left to go nanny my baby again. She stuck her finger in a cheese grater and had a bad owie this week. So sad.

Saturday: Temple. Then went to the BYU homecoming game with my dad. On the way to the game I asked him to please explain the game of football to me, since I have never understood it. FYI: never ask my dad to explain something like this while he is driving. He gets very in to it and forgets to hold on to the wheel. However, I now understand the game very well. And going on a date with my dad was so fun. I asked him questions about his life with my mom in their early marriage, about his college experience, about how he likes what he does now. He asked me about school, my work, my life. He and I are so similar. I haven't been on a date with just him and me since I was 6 years old and he bought me french silk pie at Village Inn. It was long overdue.

I am so busy. And so happy.

12 days.

A Happy Me

Last school year was a really difficult time.
I tried not to blow up my blog with all the details and the doom and gloom of how I was feeling, but when I personally go back and read certain posts, I can feel and remember how truly desolate I felt. Very hopeless. Very sad. Very lost.

I'm so grateful for last year. I learned how to let it go and trust God. I learned that happiness is not getting into your program, having a significant other, being beautiful, getting perfect grades, having cute things, or knowing all the answers. Happiness is a choice. Happiness is living close to the Spirit so that you can see what step to take, one by one. Happiness is controlling our thoughts. Happiness is serving and loving something more than ourselves. Happiness is hope.

This beautiful thing keeps happening to me. I'll be sitting in class taking notes, or driving to work, or standing in line at the Taco Bell to get my $1.07 Fresco Bean burrito, and I'll feel that happy tremor resonate inside me: I am so happy. 

I'm busier than I was last year.
I work more, have harder classes, spend about 12 hours a week driving, still haven't started nursing school, and fall into bed exhausted every night.
But I am the happiest I can ever remember being.
So I am so grateful for that dark place last year, because now I can clearly see how bright everything is. How good everything is. How blessed I am. How kind and loving my Heavenly Father is, to have given me a year of trial so that I would appreciate this year of happiness.

I want to share some skills for how to cope with sorrow and disappointment. I'll just share one today. I want you to know that this skill seems simple, but it is just like any other skill and takes practice. Some days you will be amazing at it. Some days you will probably fail horribly. Don't give up. There is happiness ahead.

It's called stop thought.
Some parts of our bodies we can control: arms, legs, mouth, turning our heads, etc.
Some parts we cannot: heart beat, eyes blinking, digestive mechanisms.
Guess what. Your thoughts fall into the first category. Your thoughts are something you can control. It will take some training, but you CAN do it.

There was a boy I dated in high school. It is a very long complicated story, but I eventually got to the point where I needed to stop the relationship. I needed to close the door.
So I pictured a door closing.
Every.
Single.
Time.
I thought of him.
DOOR CLOSED.

I use this technique when my mind tries to tell me bad things about my body, or that I'll never be successful, or I'm going to fail the test, etc. etc. DOOR CLOSED. STOP SIGN. Don't go there.

I would love to hear about your progress and experiences. You can email me privately at bethany . coleman 21 @ gmail . com

The Love Wall

I'm kind of big on visualization, mind control, and picturing yourself as the person you want to be.
(My blog is titled 'becoming' after all)
When I first left for BYU, I was stunned to find that they weren't just stereotypes: some people really do run around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to get married. (SOME, not all.) Anyway, as an innocent freshman girl, I was a little shell shocked with it all and wanted to find some solid ground, something to picture Becoming. I knew I didn't want to be anything like what I saw in the movies, or had witnessed in high school, or that Twilight fanatics pictured as their happily ever afters. I wanted to picture something real.

So I made The Love Wall.

It has moved with me to two apartments and still lives on my wall today. It is incomplete. There used to be a photo of Nie and her Nielsen, and there are more people in my life that I admire and look up to and would be honored to stick them on my Love Wall. But the biggest one missing is me. I can't wait to stick me up there.

All I have to say, is it is October 1st.