Physical Assessment

I woke up early this morning without an alarm, which is not normal for me. After about an hour of trying to fall back asleep, I decided to seize the day and take advantage of those quiet morning hours. I ate a banana while waiting for my toast to pop, then I sat down with the Book of Mormon and started to read.

I was impressed by this verse: "And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people." Mosiah 3:7

My Nurse brain started to wander as I pondered that scripture. In school, we are taught a very in depth assessment, from the top of the head to the tips of the toes. I started with His head:

He understands the pain of headache and migraine. He knows the humiliation of losing all your hair or having some disfigurement that causes people to point and stare. He has felt the pain of acne or acne scars and wanting to be clean and beautiful. He has felt the anguish of mental illness, including hearing voices no one else can, sinking in the depths of depression, difficulty forming relationships, hallucinating, and experiencing so much internal pain that the only solution you can think of is to physically harm yourself or others.

He knows the pain of blindness and deafness. He understands what it's like to hear someone saying unkind or untrue things about you. He has had to see all the disgusting, deplorable, and sorrowful sights that mankind has beheld throughout all time. He knows how scary it is to slowly lose your eyesight. He has had to smell every offensive smell. He comprehends the frustration of speech impediments or not being able to speak at all. He has felt every toothache and root canal. He understands thirst-both the physical and the mental variety.

He has endured all of your debilitating back pain. His shoulders have felt the heaviest of burdens, the crack of a whip, and the sting of sunburn. His arms have ached with physical loads, with emptiness of loss, and with progressing weakness. He even comprehends not having arms at all.

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His hands. His mighty, scarred, loving hands. They know blisters. They know neurological incapability. They know arthritis. They know carpal tunnel. They know how many times you have practiced that song and still can't get it right!

He has felt all the chest pain: physiological and emotional. His heart has been broken over and over and over. He knows the fear of waiting for a transplant for yourself or a loved one. He knows what recovery feels like. He knows the physical heart heaviness of loss.

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He has had every stomach ache. He has felt the never-ending hunger pangs. He has thrown up with morning sickness and chemotherapy. He comprehends the intense pain of digestive disorders. He has passed kidney stones. He perfectly understands UTIs.

He has felt the pain of miscarriage or the sorrow of a continually empty womb. He completely understands menstrual disorders and pains and the tremendous effort and sacrifice of labor.

He has felt muscle pains and weakness. He knows paralyzation. He comprehends the loss of amputation. He knows better than anyone the mental and physical agony of burns. He has experienced the loss of mobility and freedom.

On top of all of that, he has felt embarrassment, shame, loneliness, confusion, frustration, anger, poverty, addiction, hopes, dreams, and desires. He has felt perfectly what it is like to be your parent, your sibling, your child, your neighbor. He knows YOU.

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He comprehendeth all. things.

"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." Alma 7:12

I know everyone reading this has gone through something listed above, is going through something listed above, or someday will. I testify that He will never leave you comfortless. He did not suffer all things so that He could stay in Heaven and watch us. He did it so He could succor us, and He longs to succor us. Turn to Him. He can heal your broken heart, mind, and body. 

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Llama Drama

So there we were.

Driving south on I-15 for a "secret adventure date" as Benji called it.

While in Africa, we decided we wanted to go on more intentional dates with each other and take turns planning it. This week was his turn. He said it would be "super fun" and "not even cost anything."

I was wearing my African elephant pants. This proved to be serendipitous because we arrived at the Rhada Krishna temple in Spanish Fork and they rapidly became Indian elephant pants.

Benji pulled a bag of carrots out of his bag and we approached the Llamas. For anyone who doesn't know, my husband loves animals. They fascinate him. He loves them. Once upon a time he took an "animal restraint" class at BYU and loved it. During said class, they visited these llamas and learned how to put them in a harness. I found out he called ahead and asked if we could come visit these llamas today.

We walked around a bit and noticed one llama who wasn't in any sort of enclosure. He was just strutting around like he owned the place. We gave him a carrot and then went inside to look for the woman who manages the temple grounds, the same woman who had taught Benji how to harness the llamas two years ago.

We were told she wasn't there, so we went back out and flirted with the beautiful parrots and gave some wormy apples to the llamas.

Then we heard a splash.

Rogue Llama (as we will heretofore refer to him) had found his way into the koi pond and was trapped under the floating fountain, tangled up in the string that tethered the fountain to the shore. We watched him struggle and then Benji (animal lover that he is) ran off to find help. I pulled my resources and started filming him struggle. (My training is with humans, not animals. Don't judge.)

All of a sudden, the woman we had been told was not on the premises comes rushing towards the pond with a frantic look on her face. She began whistling to Rogue Llama and edging her way around the pond, Benji close behind her. I stayed where I was, continually documenting the whole event.

Next thing I know my husband is in the pond.

"Now can you remember how to harness him??" Our old lady friend shouted in her British accent. Benji replied that he did, but she still continued to shout and command and point out everything she would have done better the entire time he was in the water.

"No! Don't pull him out there it's too deep!"
"Attach the rope to the harness! No on the other side!"
"Pull him out!"

At this point she noticed me on the other side of the pond and said "You! Go help him pull!"

I wasn't about to say no so I scampered over to the deep end and began to help pulling. "Now Benjamin, you push from behind while your friend pulls!"

So Benji's in the water up to his armpits pushing on Rogue Llama's behind and I'm trying to pull him out by his neck. The Llama was not helping us at all. Our old lady friend is shouting the whole time, and finally Benji says "Hey, I'm trying! It's really slippery over here!"

After pushing and shoving, we get half the llama's body out on the bank. I was then invited to grab onto the llama's legs and pull. Slimy llama legs. My favorite.

Eventually Benji had the back legs and I had the front legs and we were commanded to lift 500+ pounds of dead weight paralyzed terrified llama out of the water and over a lamp that was fixed in the ground. (Benji: "this llama is really heavy." Lady: "I know but you're a man!")

Then he just lied there. The lady said "Oh he has to recover, poor thing." Yeah my husband needs to recover, poor thing!

Anyways. The llama did get out, and we got to eat at their Indian buffet for free, and our "secret adventure date" stayed true to it's name, and the whole excursion was Free 99!

One Year

Photos by Aimee May Photography <3

Dear Little Lambs

Dear Little Lambsons,

This is your mother. I miss you.

I don't remember how many of you there are, or who comes first and last, or how many brothers and sisters there are. But I know you are mine, and I miss you.

I wish I could have you all RIGHT NOW. I wish I could've had you months ago. People tell me I'm crazy for wanting you so badly, people say your dad and I haven't been married long enough. I don't care what people say. I want you.

I'm trying to convince myself that leaving you where you are and me where I am is the selfless thing for right now. It might not be safe, you see, for you to come and grow while we are learning and serving in Africa. I have to take some medications to protect myself from those nasty mosquitoes, and unfortunately, those meds would hurt you.

Also, I'm learning how to be a nurse right now. It is tough stuff. Tougher than I imagined. In my whole life I only ever wanted to be three things: a wife, a mom, and a nurse. There is a proper order of things in this world and I've done what I can to do things in wisdom and order. But it makes my heart ache. When I'm studying the different kinds of baby cries or how explaining something to a four year old is different than a fourteen year old, all I think about is you.

Hopefully, the waiting will make it all the better when you do come. Hopefully, you will always know how deeply you are loved and how anxious we were to meet you. Hopefully, this period of waiting is helping me become more of the mother you need.

Until then,
Mom

Coping words

Sometimes, I have a desire to just write.

I haven't had that desire in a few months, so I didn't. I just lived. But today, I desire. Share my feelings with me.

This is another nurse post.

I went into nursing for one reason. I wanted to become a pediatric nurse and work at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake. Two of my siblings are alive because of that hospital. And I just love it. I literally get giddy when I see the sign: "the child first and always."

Some people are obsessed with shoes or TV shows or etsy shops. I'm obsessed with a children's hospital. It's fine.

I used to work there. I remember when the manager called me for an interview. I had applied for so many CNA jobs that I had to ask her where she was calling from. She said, "Infant unit at Primary Children's" and my eyes bugged out of my head. I don't even remember applying for that job. I believe it was truly a tender mercy dropped into my life.

And then, I finally (FINALLY) got in to nursing school. And it wasn't feasible to keep my job there, an hour and a half away from school, with twelve hour shifts starting at 6 a.m.

So I quit. And I cried when I did. And I told her I'd be back.

AND TODAY I WENT BACK. For clinical.

You would have thought I had springs in my shoes and a motor in my mouth. I could hardly sit still or stop talking. I started rehearsing inside my head Bethany. Seriously, stop talking. I felt like a proud mom showing off a new baby or something, because I was there with many of my nursing friends and I just wanted to shout "SEE?! I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WAS MAGIC."

So I don't really know why I'm writing. I have all these feelings. Happiness because I get to spend time as a nursing student at my hospital this semester. Fear because I am so worried that I won't get a job there when I graduate. Guilt because I'm supposed to be working on living in the moment and not worrying about the future.

When I got home, Benji could sense how pent up I was. We talked about trusting Heavenly Father with our lives and working hard in the here and now and not worrying about after graduation. (He is THE best. I don't know how he stays so patient.) And I started to calm down and then we went to our inner tube water polo game (a story for another time).

Someday, I hope I get to work at that hospital as a nurse. I hope I get to do for other patients and families what was done for mine. I hope I get to feel excited to go work again. But for now, thanks for listening to my discombobulated thought process.

And I will continue to strive to be present and Trust.