Coping words

Sometimes, I have a desire to just write.

I haven't had that desire in a few months, so I didn't. I just lived. But today, I desire. Share my feelings with me.

This is another nurse post.

I went into nursing for one reason. I wanted to become a pediatric nurse and work at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake. Two of my siblings are alive because of that hospital. And I just love it. I literally get giddy when I see the sign: "the child first and always."

Some people are obsessed with shoes or TV shows or etsy shops. I'm obsessed with a children's hospital. It's fine.

I used to work there. I remember when the manager called me for an interview. I had applied for so many CNA jobs that I had to ask her where she was calling from. She said, "Infant unit at Primary Children's" and my eyes bugged out of my head. I don't even remember applying for that job. I believe it was truly a tender mercy dropped into my life.

And then, I finally (FINALLY) got in to nursing school. And it wasn't feasible to keep my job there, an hour and a half away from school, with twelve hour shifts starting at 6 a.m.

So I quit. And I cried when I did. And I told her I'd be back.

AND TODAY I WENT BACK. For clinical.

You would have thought I had springs in my shoes and a motor in my mouth. I could hardly sit still or stop talking. I started rehearsing inside my head Bethany. Seriously, stop talking. I felt like a proud mom showing off a new baby or something, because I was there with many of my nursing friends and I just wanted to shout "SEE?! I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WAS MAGIC."

So I don't really know why I'm writing. I have all these feelings. Happiness because I get to spend time as a nursing student at my hospital this semester. Fear because I am so worried that I won't get a job there when I graduate. Guilt because I'm supposed to be working on living in the moment and not worrying about the future.

When I got home, Benji could sense how pent up I was. We talked about trusting Heavenly Father with our lives and working hard in the here and now and not worrying about after graduation. (He is THE best. I don't know how he stays so patient.) And I started to calm down and then we went to our inner tube water polo game (a story for another time).

Someday, I hope I get to work at that hospital as a nurse. I hope I get to do for other patients and families what was done for mine. I hope I get to feel excited to go work again. But for now, thanks for listening to my discombobulated thought process.

And I will continue to strive to be present and Trust.