Clarity

You all know me. You know what I want to be when I grow up.
You know I'm so, so close. So close that I lick at the heels of being a nurse every time I go to work.
And I love it.

But I've noticed there is something about it that is empty. Something about being and becoming a nurse that isn't quite good enough. Isn't living up to what I wanted it to be. And I figured it out. It isn't the nurses I work with that I envy the most.

It's the moms.

The moms that watch me come in with my measuring tools, my mask and my gloves, and I take their babies from their arms and start doing my business. I take their temperatures, measure the size of their tummies and their heads. I weigh them, change them, traumatize them for their own good by sucking all the RSV+ goobers out their little noses. I watch the data on the monitors and decide if their baby is doing well or not. I badger the sweet, tired mom's about how much the baby has eaten of breast milk or this formula or that, and what time did he finish that? I don't even let them change the diapers like a normal person, I have to weigh and analyze the contents of those as well, and give the yeah or nay on if it is right and good.

I impose so much on these moms, as if I know so much more about their baby than they do. And they trust me.

But after I've made the baby cold and agitated, I bundle them up as tight as I can and put them back in their mother's arms where they stop crying, because they feel safe again. And every once and a while, when the mother is out, I get the chance to be the arms that feel safe. And every time I remember that even if I never become a nurse, or even if I do and I work in pediatrics for the rest of my life, I will really only fulfill my dream when I'm a mom with my own babies who know who's arms are safe. Because that's really all I've ever wanted.

Mantra

What Christmas Means

When I think of the birth of Christ, I think of what Him coming to this earth meant. It meant freedom. It meant love. It meant eternal joy for all of us.

Although some may label this as an Easter poem, it also makes me think of Christmas.

Empty Linen 

by Emily Harris

The linen which once held Him is empty.

It lies there,

Fresh and white and clean.

The door stands opened.

The stone is rolled away,

And I can almost hear the angels singing His praises.

Linen cannot hold Him.

Stone cannot hold Him.

The words echo through the empty limestone chamber,

“He is not here.”

The linen which once held Him is now empty.

It lies there,

Fresh and white and clean

And oh, hallelujah, it is empty.

Merry Christmas

In the Name of Love

(I borrowed this from NieNie, today is her 11th Wedding Anniversary)
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
Louis De Bernieres

This is something I learned this semester, Fall 2011. Partly from my marriage class, partly from watching my parents, and partly from me myself just learning.

   In my marriage class, we compared a marriage to the story of Christ as a shepherd, leaving the ninety and nine to find the one. My professor (who is a knock your socks off professor, I wish I could major in marriage prep just so I can only take his classes) taught us that in marriage, both spouses are the shepherd for each other, continually seeking out the one. Even when you're grumpy, or tired, or annoyed, or they have hurt you, they are still your one, and you are still their shepherd. That is love.

   My parents are so lovely. Its hard for me to talk or type about them because I get emotional. They will celebrate their 24th wedding anniversary a few days after Christmas. I'm so thankful for their love. I'm so thankful for their selflessness. I'm thankful for times to laugh. I'm thankful for eternal families.

   Now me. I've learned a lot about love this semester, particularly how the Savior loves me. Sometimes, its very hard for me to believe that He loves me free of charge. I often feel that I have to qualify, or 'earn' it. It's already mine. I can't earn it, and I can't take it away. I am loved. I am the one, and He will continually come after me when I stray. He will help me on the tests I am unready for, He will help me give the lesson I prepared the night before, He will bless me in every moment. He only asks me to try.

I am still learning. But I know that this season is about Love. God is Love. Love is Joy. Joy is Eternal.

Advocate

D&C 38:4 “I say, even as many as have believed in my name, for I am Christ, and in mine own name, by the virtue of the blood which I have spilt, have I pleaded before the Father for them.”

     This past summer I had a job which gave me a whole new insight and understanding into the meaning of the word “advocate.”

    I worked as a CNA, Certified Nurses Assistant, in a Rehab and Acute care center. One of my first patients was a woman younger than my mom who has been paralyzed from the neck down for the past 8 years from a tragic car accident. She was pregnant at the time of the crash. Luckily, her son lived, but he and his three older sisters are being raised by their grandparents and don’t visit my patient often. She is very particular about the way she likes things done, and because she can only operate her mouth, this makes her very demanding. When I first cared for her, I didn’t do something the way she wanted it and she snapped at me. I took it personally and hoped to never work with her again. 

    Then, I started thinking about her and her situation. All of the other CNA’s talked behind her back and groaned about being assigned to her room. They would neglect to answer her call light because they knew whatever she wanted would be picky and time consuming. I decided I was going to be different. I decided to love her with everything I had. I would fight her battles for her, because she has a body that cannot. I asked the management if they would please assign me to her room every day, so that I could be her advocate, get her what she needed and how she wanted it, and defend her to the other staff. I became the master at her particulars, and she and I became very close friends.

    This is the way the Savior is. He knows we’re prickly and difficult. He knows who is talking behind our backs and who dislikes us. He knows our abilities. He has felt our pain and sorrow, happiness and joy, sin and mistakes. He is our advocate with the Father. He fights our battles for us. I love Him.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Some things I Love

Emilie.
I love Emilie. I love going to the Library and Walmart at 11:00 p.m. and almost buying adult size footie pajamas (PLEASE can we go back and buy some?!). I love how last night I was doing the whole pre-bedtime face washing/teeth brushing routine and she was sitting on her bed watching and all of a sudden she started singing (in the MOST adorable voice) "Giiiiiive meeeee yourrrrr PAAAAAAANTS!!!!" Clearly, she likes my pants. (Who wouldn't, right? They were the black silky Puma sweats I've been wearing since junior year of high school)

The Dentist.
Okay that was a lie, but I love that he made my smile pretty yesterday. Once upon a time in 9th grade, I ran into a glass door just like the crows in those Windex commercials and chipped the bottom half off of my front tooth. I went and had it fixed that day, but it wasn't very well done and it's been slowly chipping off again and it was never quite right and I would always see it in pictures and in the mirror...anyway it's fixed now! So make me laugh because it is a beautiful sight.

Jamba Juice.
This goes without saying. Thank you to Heather and Amanda for providing me with enough Jamba coupons to fill my addiction for the next couple days I mean weeks.

My Mama.
I love how she takes my face in her hands and kisses my cheek when I come or go. I love how she can never send just one text at a time, she always has something else to say and I get 4+ texts for every one text I send her. I love her smile and her advice and the sound of her voice and her perfume and her Mickey Mouse crocks. I love that she always knows what to say and she believes in me when I don't believe in myself.

Faith & Trust.
Something I have been learning very well in my life, but especially in the past months. There is a plan, and all I have to do is try my best to follow it everyday. I am loved and watched over. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. *and to my lovely red haired friend, thank you for being the epitome example of this. Glove you. I've got your back forever, girl.

Pixie Dust.
(Sorry, had to) I believe in miracles.

Love,
Bethany