Excema

I've never had cancer.I've never had heart surgery.
I've never had an emergency c-section, or had an eardrum burst.
I'm not allergic to sunscreen.
I'm not allergic to milk or shellfish.
I'm not allergic to anything, actually.
I've never had surgery; I still have my tonsils and wisdom teeth.

But I have excema. And I've struggled with it my whole life. Most people outgrow it, but I think my 20 year history with it shows it's not going anywhere.

The term eczema is broadly applied to a range of persistent skin conditions. These include dryness and recurring skin rashes that are characterized by one or more of these symptoms: redness, skin edema (swelling), itching and dryness, crusting, flaking, blistering, cracking, oozing, or bleeding.

I've tried soaking my hands in salt water.
I've tried slathering them in Bag Balm and sleeping with socks on my hands.
I've tried Aquafor, Hydrocortisone, Cow Udder Cream, Eucerin, Burts Bees, diaper rash creams, steroid cream, and most recently, Witch Hazel lotion, among many many others.

My roommates have continually laughed and/or teased me about how I'll subconciously itch my hands and legs, and how I'll itch them in my sleep. I've woken up with blood running down my arms before because I've been itching all night.

And when I shave my legs, I shave off all these little scabs all over. Its lovely, I tell you.

So don't tease me. I can't help it. It hurts really bad and it itches and burns all day long. I try slathering them in lotion but that can only take me so far. I hope someday to live in a humid climate where there will be more moisture in the air to help heal the cracks in my hands and the scabs all over my legs.

However, I am grateful for my skin. It still functions, even with rashes and gashes and cuts and itchy burning. It helps me achieve my goals and daily tasks.

One thing Lead to Another

Once Upon a time (Freshman year), 

I had two really awesome visiting teachers, Kaitlyn and Amanda:

They were cute and awesome and I loved it when they came to visit. We got to be pretty good friends. Actually, REALLY good friends. I love them. 

Anyway. Amanda mentioned once that I should set her up with someone if I knew anyone. It just so happened that my sweet cousin James also mentioned I should set him up if I knew any cute, available, Spiritual, smart, awesome ladies. Being the clever individual that I am, I put one and one together and gave him her number. They went on a date. 

A few months later I found myself on a road trip with them:

Which led to this:

James and Amanda

and this:

aaaaaand this:

and then this happened:

and all those things led to this:

Eating Thanksgiving dinner with the visiting teacher who became a friend who became my cousin-in-law.

I love you Amanda Jensen! I'm so thankful I get to have you in my family.

(I think they should return the favor, don't you??)

Honor

I cannot think of a better day to honor this man than on Thanksgiving.
This is my Grandpa.
When his wife died of cancer leaving two sons, one of them only two years old who broke both of his legs in the months following her death, and having a job on the railroad that made caring for these sons very complicated, he chose to be grateful.
He went about singing Count Your Many Blessings to carry him through this hard time.
Thank you for your legacy, Grandpa.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain:

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,

And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy

Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,

Do not be disheartened, God is over all;

Count your many blessings, angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

I miss....

Bryan
Wally
Bracken
Spencer
Ben
Tanner
Aaron
Dallas
Jake
Parker
&
others....

But

thank you

for doing

what you're doing

because I am who I am

because of someone like you.

(but I would still really love to start going to some homecomings)

(or, you know, a letter would suffice)

(until I've finished reading it)

Speaking of which. If you want to have your heart warmed and twisted all at once: Click me

Anything of Value

takes work.
Sometimes, I really think about giving up nursing and going into social work. Both of these paths could lead to what I ultimately want to do with my life, which is to lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the feeble knees.

Why is it so hard??? My whole life people told me if I wanted something bad enough I could get it. Well, I've never wanted anything more than I want to become a nurse and for all the fighting and trying and hoping and working, I sure do feel empty handed.

And tired. I feel so tired. Not just physically tired, but mentally, emotionally, soul-fully tired.

I'm Gonna Love You Through It

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

Thoughts Today

     I woke up late, put on a green shirt, curled my hair in a frenzy, didn't eat anything, and ran to work. I'm grateful for normal, busy, life-ish moments.    I went to see the Nutcracker last night with my Mama and Abby. My cute cousin Mariah was in it. I was thrilled. I felt like a little girl. I love going to ballets. I used to be a dancer when I was little. I quit when I was twelve because I thought I was too fat. How sad is that?
   I got a letter yesterday from this boy. Such a good letter. Such a good friend.
   Remember how I didn't eat breakfast? I would sell my dog for a Caribbean Passion right now. (Oh right, I don't have a dog.)
   I'm grateful for friends. Old best friends, new best friends, best friends that become cousins, sisters that always were best friends, my mom's friends that become my friends...you edify me.
    Speaking of my mama...I'm never getting off this soapbox. I LOVE her. aaah I just love her.
   And my Daddy?? He's the cutest. He sends me cute emails all the time. Sometimes they make me tear up at work because he is just so awesome.
     I'm getting so stoked for Christmas. I don't know when I'll have time to finish everything I need to do for it.
     Life is beautiful.

The Will to Survive

I was standing
All alone against the world outside
You were searching
For a place to hide
Lost and lonely
Now you've given me the will to survive
When we're hungry, love will keep us alive

Don't you worry
Sometimes you've just gotta let it ride
The world is changing
Right before your eyes

Now I've found you
There's no more emptiness inside
When we're hungry, love will keep us alive

I would die for you
Climb the highest mountain
Baby, there's nothing I wouldn't do

Now I've found you
There's no more emptiness inside
When we're hungry, love will keep us alive

I would die for you
Climb the highest mountain
Baby, there's nothing I wouldn't do

I was standing
All alone against the world outside
You were searching
For a place to hide
Lost and lonely
Now you've given me the will to survive
When we're hungry, love will keep us alive

That Awkward Moment...

....when your roommate french braids your hair and you end up looking polygamist.

 Sorry....had to

Advocate

D&C 38:4 “I say, even as many as have believed in my name, for I am Christ, and in mine own name, by the virtue of the blood which I have spilt, have I pleaded before the Father for them.”

     This past summer I had a job which gave me a whole new insight and understanding into the meaning of the word “advocate.”

    I worked as a CNA, Certified Nurses Assistant, in a Rehab and Acute care center. One of my first patients was a woman younger than my mom who has been paralyzed from the neck down for the past 8 years from a tragic car accident. She was pregnant at the time of the crash. Luckily, her son lived, but he and his three older sisters are being raised by their grandparents and don’t visit my patient often. She is very particular about the way she likes things done, and because she can only operate her mouth, this makes her very demanding. When I first cared for her, I didn’t do something the way she wanted it and she snapped at me. I took it personally and hoped to never work with her again. 

    Then, I started thinking about her and her situation. All of the other CNA’s talked behind her back and groaned about being assigned to her room. They would neglect to answer her call light because they knew whatever she wanted would be picky and time consuming. I decided I was going to be different. I decided to love her with everything I had. I would fight her battles for her, because she has a body that cannot. I asked the management if they would please assign me to her room every day, so that I could be her advocate, get her what she needed and how she wanted it, and defend her to the other staff. I became the master at her particulars, and she and I became very close friends.

    This is the way the Savior is. He knows we’re prickly and difficult. He knows who is talking behind our backs and who dislikes us. He knows our abilities. He has felt our pain and sorrow, happiness and joy, sin and mistakes. He is our advocate with the Father. He fights our battles for us. I love Him.

To my Parents

Dear Mama and Daddy,

I went to Tithing settlement today in my BYU ward. I walked in and they handed me that piece of paper with all my information on it, my birthdate and the date I was baptized. The part that made all my insides warm up with joy and happiness was the part that said "Born in the Covenant." All I have to say really is thank you so much. I love you.

Love,

Bethie

Such a Spectacle as You Have Never Seen

BYU Tall Club.

It exists.

I'm in the presidency.
I'm also the shortest.

We really truly hold events where Tall people come and be tall. I fully believe it was formed by flustered females (+3) looking for tall males. Tonight we had a virtual dunking competition as well as a just dance marathon. Accompanied by nachos, cookies, gummy worms, and apple juice.

Remember last year when I won the Tall Club cookie decorating competition?


So if you're Tall.
Or if you want to be Tall.
Or you think you're Tall.
Or you just think I'm way awesome.

Every other Tuesday, 3223 of the Wilk, 8:30.

Be there or be short.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Wow.

I'm taking a Public Speaking class.
Group project to create a news broadcast produced this:



Then, being me, decided to send it to the boy mentioned in the previous post, as well as in the video above. (http://www.eastercloset.com/)

Woke up this morning with a friend request.

Best. College. Moment. So. Far.

Fundamentally Weird

I've come to a conclusion, after a conversation with a friend in my ward last night, that I am fundamentally weird.

Honestly.

I make people uncomfortable.

Hints to this core issue of mine:

-In 2nd grade, on Beach Day (a day in January where you all come to school in summer clothes...I don't really get it) I stood up, spontaneously, by myself, and danced the Macarena in front of the entire school.

-Growing up, it was more likely to run into me playing pioneers than princesses. I had a log that I treated like a cow. Udderly despicable. It's true. The best was when all the children would get pneumonia and I'd single handedly nurse them back to health with "herbs."

-I have a huge fear of using public restrooms.

-I sleep with a cougar pillow pet.

-I'm writing to a missionary that I have never met. Or seen outside of pictures. We've been writing for over a year. We know quite a lot about each other. It will be super weird when he comes home in July. "Hi. I'm Bethany. Nice to 'meet' you." I googled the address to his mission home the first time I wrote him. It's true.

-I think many different flavors of baby food taste delicious.

-I once pretended to be deaf in the drive through at the bank. I wrote everything I wanted on a piece of paper and sent it through the zoom thing. (that's a technical term)

-I prefer super dark chocolate. As in baking chocolate. As in 60% cocoa or darker. And I don't like doughnuts.

-When doing clinicals for my CNA class at St. Marks Hospital, I deliberately abandoned my post on the Oncology floor and sought out the Nursery. Yes I creeped on those sweet babies.

-I use odd grammar. I blame this on my Star Wars fettish (you know, Yoda). One time at the ice skating rink, I believed the dude had given me incorrect change. So I stuck out my palm and said "I still require a dollar in this hand." I was wrong....

-I sing. And dance. While driving.

So. I'm Odd. I really don't think there's anything to be done about it. Someone is just going to have to love the oddness. Maybe I'll go watch Runaway Bride again where Julia Roberts makes the Duckbill platypus face and is still adorable. Or perhaps my parent's wedding video. They're both weird in that one.

On a side note, which (come to think of it) completely validates my fundamental weirdness, I have a fascination in this boy: www.eastercloset.com
For real. If our blogs mated, it would be epic.
If I actually met him in real life, that would also be epic.

My Perfect World

Bathroom stalls.
In my perfect world, bathroom stall walls would reach all the way to the floor and all the way to the ceiling. I hate the gap between the stall wall and the floor. What if someone recognizes my shoes?! That is so awkward. I am a firm believer in Potty Privacy. Ask my roommates.

Bluntness.
I hate all the howdy doody of dating. Honestly, why can't you just walk up to someone and say "Hi. I think you're beautiful. I'm interested in you. Want to get to know me?" Instead of all the 'you text me first/I text you first, he asked you out twice so now you have ask him out, what does that facebook status even mean?!' stuff. Hate it.

Green arrows.
I love green left turn arrows. Favorite driving moment. That should happen all the time.

Shower heads.
Would be higher than my head, so I don't have to resort to acrobatic maneuvers to wash my hair.

Boys that smell good...
...would constantly be walking past me with the wind blowing my direction.

Nursing school.
Would not be so difficult to get in to. If you could see my heart, you'd be begging me to come to you, and not the other way around.

Movies.
Why?? Why do you have to use naughty words and innuendo and have dirty scenes? Don't you know that I love movies? Don't you know that I turn you off and walk away when you have stuff like that?? Nobody really likes it! It makes us uncomfortable!

Immodest Girls
You're not cute. It's like if I say to you "try not to think about Elephants." What do you think of? An Elephant. What if I did that while at the Zoo looking at the Elephants? K, when you dress like a floozy, that is like the Elephant thing to boys except "Try not to have dirty thoughts" while you're parading past them.

Telecommunitexting
I look at my phone.
I tell it what the text should say with my mind
I tell it to whom the text should be sent with my mind
Text sent. In the middle of class. Without touching my phone. Brilliant.

Snow.
Only on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. And late at night when you're holding hands and walking and the snowflakes stick to your eyelashes. *feminine sigh*

Jamba Juice.
would deliver. Like pizza. Call them up every couple hours and have them drive me one. *heaven in a styrofoam cup*

Now, some of the above statements may come off a little flippant. They are not intended to do so. Of course, it would be perfect if I could rid the world of hunger and disease and heartbreak and forgotten children. When I think of these things I remember Doctrine and Covenants 121, which says all these things shall be for our good, will give us experience, and will be but a small moment.

So. Until I can solve the bigger problems, I will stick with bathroom stalls and the nature of cold weather. And bending over backwards to wash my hair.

I Cried At Work

For those of you unfamiliar with BYU, there is a devotional held in the Marriott Center (Basketball stadium) every Tuesday at 11 a.m. Because I work 9-1 and the time it would take to run up to the Marriott Center and then back down to the Law School is unrealistic, we watch the live devotional stream from BYUtv.
Today, President Monson came to speak. HUGE deal. We normally get one of our own professors. He gave a beautiful talk about being a light and an example, but the last story he told was what got to me. I tried to find the actual thing word for word, but no one has posted it yet so here is my recollection:

When President Monson was a mission president in East Canada, he had a young missionary in his care who had fallen sick and had to have a serious operation. The missionary's parents were called and flew out for the operation, because the doctors said his chances of living through it were slim.
The young missionary was staying in a hospital ward with six beds, his bed being number 3. The morning of the operation, the nurse came in with a tray of breakfast and approached the first bed. "No thank you," said the patient "I'm not feeling very hungry this morning."
She went to the next bed, got the same answer. After receiving five answers of "not hungry" she threw up her hands in frustration and asked the patients how they were supposed to get better if they wouldn't eat.
The patient in bed number six pointed at the empty bed number 3. "This Elder is our friend. He has laid in that bed teaching us the principles of his gospel, of prayer and repentance and forgiveness and fasting. We are fasting for our friend today."
The operation was extremely successful, and the young missionary was able to return to his service.

I testify that fasting works. I have seen it heal and protect and comfort and strengthen. I testify of Jesus Christ, who is the Light I strive to emulate and stand as a witness of every day. I know He lives, I know it better than I know that the sun will rise in the morning. And I testify of these things in His sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.