Becoming Sister Lambson, Part 7

We drove all the next day, in a rush to get Benji home so he could sing at his Grandfather's surprise birthday party.

I was so exhausted from the week of back and forth emotions that I was sitting in the backseat, praying (as usual, this story involves a lot of praying) and telling Heavenly Father that I give up. I can't do it anymore. Benji is too confusing and I have to just convince myself not to care for him.

At that moment, Benji glanced back at me in the rear-view mirror.

"What are you doing this week?" He asked.

"I work Thursday." I replied.

".....Well. I want to go on three dates this week. And I want one of them to be with you."

!!!!!!!??????? What?! I just barely BARELY decided to give up on you and NOW you decide to ask me out?! Okay act like you're totally cool calm and collected.

"Sure. That would be fun."

*stealthily grabs phone, begins texting Mama and all other pertinent female friends*

We were running late enough that Benji didn't have time to drop me off at my house. Instead, his friend Preston and I dropped Benji off, and then Preston used Benji's car to drive me home. We stopped on the way to make sure the car was cleaned out and the gas tank refilled so that Benji wouldn't have to do it later that night.

At around 11:30 p.m. I got a phone call. It was Benji.

"I don't know who did it...but someone cleaned out the car. Thank you so, so much."

I sat there in my bedroom, beaming, because I was on the phone with Benjamin Lambson and my resolve to not like him anymore was totally dead. And we had a date. And I could literally not ask for anything more perfect.

The next morning my mom asked me to drive to Lindon to pick something up from my uncle's gym. With a sudden, impulsive stroke of inspiration I texted Benji and asked him if he wanted to come. He said yes, and that is how we found ourselves on the freeway in a car less than 24 hours after returning from California.

I fully expected him to leave quickly after we got home from the gym, but he stayed. And he played with Nate. And met my parents. And had chocolate chip cookies. And ate dinner. And delighted my sisters. 

And I knew that I wanted him to stay always.

Becoming Sister Lambson, Part 6

The trip turned out to be the most fun vacation I have ever taken. Read more about it here.

However, it was also fraught with the most emotional turmoil.

At this point, I still didn't know Benji very well. I didn't know that he's practically the most friendly, kind, loving person on the planet.

I didn't know that if he spent 10 minutes taking to me, and then turned around and started teasing another girl, it really didn't mean anything.

I also didn't know that he was having his own internal debate about what to do with the information I had given him three weeks before, but he had just put it aside to enjoy the trip.

All I knew was that my thoughts went something like this: "Alright. I am NOT going to like him anymore. Not going to do it. Aaaaaaaaaa but he has this quality and this quality and I just saw him go out of his way to help so and so....doesn't matter, I am OVER this. I am not going to try and sit by him on this ride OH lookee there, a spot right next to him, I mean I guess SOMEONE has to sit by him so I will....he's splashing me. What does it mean when someone is splashing you? Well I'm going to splash him right back he can't get away with that and NO THIS IS NOT FLIRTING, this is EQUALITY."

You get the idea.

At the end of Disneyland, our little group of 5 decided to extend the trip and attend the Newport Beach Temple. Afterwards, we crossed the border into Mexico for a few hours (which was my first time really crossing the border like that. Surreal.) After reentering the States, Brianna begged and begged to go see the San Diego Temple. We went on the premise that we would just look at it, because we didn't have time to go inside. But once we were there, Brianna begged to go inside, and said "We can do Sealings! It doesn't take as long as an endowment session."(Information about all of that here)

So we did Sealings. There were three women and two men, and after an hour and a half, every boy/girl combination had worked together except for Benji and I. I decided I was fine with that, because it was almost more than I could take at this point. And then the Sealer said,

"Can we have Brother Lambson and Sister Coleman to the altar?"

In the beautiful San Diego Temple, with the sun going down outside the prism windows and both of us dressed in white, we kneeled together across the altar to perform sacred Sealing ordinances in behalf of those who have passed on and cannot perform them for themselves.

I didn't know that Benji likes to look directly at the person he's working with to help him focus. I, on the other hand, spent an awful lot of time looking the other direction, and trying to control my thoughts, which were saying "Do not read too much into this. This is not a sign. This is just coincidence." 

But it still felt very right for us to be there.

Becoming Sister Lambson, Part 5

The week Benji spent in Mexico was my last week of EFY as a counselor.

On Monday of that week, I got a private Facebook message from him wishing me a great week and that my girls were lucky to have me. He didn't acknowledge my big confession, but it still gave me hope. Maybe he could be the smallest bit interested.

At this point, people were talking about the Especially for Counselor's Disneyland trip scheduled for August. Who was going, who wasn't, and how everyone was getting there. I was VERY back and forth about going. I wanted to go because Benji was going. I didn't want to go because Benji was going. I was conflicted.

My roommate that week finally looked at me one day and said "Bethany, you HAVE to go." But I was still conflicted.

This was a photo taken on Friday of week 9. It was my last day of EFY, my last EFY dance, I was exhausted and happy and anxious for Benji to get back in the States and see what he had to say. However, he was coming home to work the last week of EFY, Provo 10, and I was going back to real life and my job at the hospital.

Saturday night, I was at Primary Children's working. I started to think about Benji coming back and working another week. I had emailed the EFY office a few days earlier and told them I was available if they needed anyone for week 10, but they replied and said they had had a ton of interest and no open positions. So I did what I always do, and I started praying. I asked that if it was possible, I would be able to work week 10 to spend more time with Benji. 

Around 10 p.m., my phone rang and I was asked to work Provo 10. 

This is the photo I took that Monday morning: sleep deprived, still anxious, still happy, and very hopeful.

The week passed in a blur. It was my 8th week that summer and my 7th week in a row. I felt like I wasn't doing a good job as a counselor and I was worried about my girls. Everytime I saw Benji my heart would freak out and I never knew if I should talk to him or let him talk to me or act like nothing had happened.....

By the time the week was over, I had officially decided to go to Disneyland at the encouragement of my mom and two dear EFY friends, Elyse and Brianna. I agreed to go as long as the two of them made sure I had a ride. Brianna emphatically said she would arrange everything and she was just so happy I was coming!!

A few days before the trip, Brianna called to inform me of the plans:

"Okay so we are in Benji's car, we are leaving at this time lah lah lah...."

Benji's car.
All the way to California and back.
Disneyland. 4 days.
The biggest roller coaster of that whole trip happened right there, inside myself, trying to imagine how horrible or wonderful the experience was going to be.

Sometimes

Sometimes your car starts billowing smoke while you are on your way to pick up the love of your life. So then you just park your car on the side of the road and cry while he holds you and quietly hums "Come, Come Ye Saints" because he knows it is one of your power hymns. But then you just cry harder.

So then, sometimes you get brave enough to turn the car back on and drive it to a mechanic, which means fiancé just got relocated much farther away which demolished the purpose of you picking him up in the first place. But he smiles and hugs you and then pulls out a quarter. "Do you want Mike-n-Ike's or Skittles? You want Mike-n-Ike's, huh." And then you say "How did you know?" And he says, "I'm marrying you. I know." And then the Mike-n-Ike's come out with 5 yellows and 4 of the other colors, and he gives you all the colorful ones and eats the yellow himself, because he's selfless.

And then the mechanic says "We have to keep your car overnight" and fiancé remembers to get the parking pass out of my car so that it can live in his car so that I can drive it to work and home again at 3 a.m.

And then he holds your hand on the long, long walk home.

And sometimes, you try to make your favorite childhood dinner for your fiancé, and it doesn't turn out quite right. But he eats it and says he loves it and goes back for seconds.

And sometimes, you almost scored three different apartments in the same weekend, but they all slipped through your fingers.

And then sometimes your sad, dementia-ridden patient sings that same hymn with you while you are getting her ready for the day, because somewhere deep inside herself, she still remembers.

So even when your car breaks down and you're sleep deprived and the homework never ends and the dinner didn't work and you have no plan for where you are going to live once fiancé changes to husband and best friend for infinity, all is still well.

Becoming Sister Lambson, Part 4

And then, the waiting.

Every Friday at EFY there is a dance. I expected him to talk to me or dance with me or at least look at me during the dance, but he didn't.

Oh no, I've ruined everything.

After the dance there is a big, final fireside. Brother West was the session director that week and I'm sure he gave a really great final fireside, but I missed it because the entire time he was speaking I was sitting there praying.

Heavenly Father. I did what I felt impressed to do. I KNOW that that was a feeling from Thee that I was supposed to tell him how I felt, but now he's avoiding me and I don't understand. But I trust Thy plan. Maybe it was practice for some other guy sometime in the future, but please help me to know that everything is okay. 

After the fireside I took my little group of youth to a private area to give them my parting words. When the testimonies had been shared and all my hopes for their future had been given, they all lined up two by two to walk back to the dorms and go to bed. My co-counselor lead in front and I brought up the rear, and as we filed out a strong arm came around my shoulders and Benji started to walk with me. I felt so strongly in my heart the answer to my prayer that everything would be okay.

We only walked about 20 feet together and I asked him when he would leave Provo for his Mexico trip. He replied that he was leaving as soon as all the youth were in bed that night. We came to the curb and he stopped and I kept walking behind my group. On a whim I turned around and ran back to him and threw my arms around his neck.

Maybe we would never talk again.

Maybe he would never like me and was just being friendly.

Maybe I had ruined everything.

But right then, I knew everything would be okay.

Happy

This week was crazy.

For example:
Wednesday I woke up at 4:45 and put on my navy and white BYU Nursing scrubs.

I went to clinical. Took care of patients. Got home at 11:00. Ate lunch.

Went to my bicycling class.

Came home and napped for 3 hours. Woke up and put on my elephant gray Intermountain scrubs.

Went to work at 6:00 p.m. and didn't get home until 6:15 a.m.

Basically my life is divided by scrub colors and naps.

BUT last night I asked my love on a date.

We went to an arcade. I looked for the game Fix it Felix Jr. They didn't have it.
But Benji hit the jackpot on one game, so we won a lot of tickets.
All those tickets only purchased two frooties, two laffy taffys, a fun dip, and some sour licorice.

So we went to Iceberg for ice cream. And then my parents mentioned they were in Provo. So we went to see Sacred Gifts at the Museum of Art. (I really love double dates with my parents.)

Then we snuggled up and watched Pirates of the Caribbean (classic).

73 days until we don't have to say goodbye anymore.

Perfection.

Becoming Sister Lambson, part 3

Each week of EFY starts for the Counselor's on Sunday night. We meet, we get instruction from the session coordinators, we have a fireside with the session directors, we plan with our co-counselors, and then there is usually a party to make door tags with the youth's names before we go to bed.

I made sure to sit right by Benji during the door tag party, which was to his benefit since he didn't have any supplies to make his own. While we were making them I said, "Benji, tell me about your mom."

"She's an angel. She lives very close to the Spirit and I love her."

You're always told you can tell a lot about a guy by how he talks about and treats his mother. I loved the way he talked about his mom and I hoped in that moment that I would get to meet her.

After finishing door tags, we were walking back to our dorms and decided to just keep walking. He looked at me and said "Tell me your life story." I started with "Okay when I was fifteen--" he cut me off and said "No your whole life story." So I started again with "I was born...." We walked and talked about our families and memories and goals and defining moments. I got to hear more about his mission and he taught me the proper technique to restrain mice and pigs (he took a class on animal restraints once. Cool I know). The more we talked the more I liked him and the more I hoped he would somehow like me too.

On Wednesday of that week, I was in the shower late at night (because thats the only time counselors have to shower) and I was praying. I told Heavenly Father that I liked this boy so much. I told Him that I believed in agency and choices and I knew it wasn't right to pray that Benji would just like me back, but if it was right and if there was any hope for the future, that He would help me know what action I could take to bring about results. (To act and not be acted upon, right?)

Normally in my life answers come very slowly and quietly, and rarely right when I pray for them. But in this moment, I received a calm and clear idea: "Why don't you just tell Benji how you feel about him."

"Oh no," I prayed back, "I can't do that. I can't just waltz up to someone and say 'Hey I like you.'"

Again, I felt the idea that telling him straight out was the action I should take. So I prayed again, "Okay. I will do it. But I need Thee to tell me when is the right time."

All day Thursday I prayed and looked for the right time. He and I even sang a duet together on that Thursday, but I didn't feel like it was right to tell him yet. Friday came and I knew I had to find the opportune moment fast because he was leaving EFY early that night so he could fly to Cancun the next morning.

And then, I was on lunch duty. Word came that one of my sweet girls was in her room throwing up. I left my post to go find the health counselor, and she was sitting right next to Benjamin. While she and I talked he walked across the room and started playing the piano with some youth. As I walked past the piano to go take care of my girl, I had the feeling. Now was the time. I turned and said:

"Uh....all you youth need to leave to go to the Variety Show."

They all protested (including Benji) that it wasn't time yet. I said "No, I REALLY need you to leave and go find your counselors."

So reluctantly, Benji stopped playing the piano and they all stood up to leave.

Now I should mention right here that I was in a very quiet form of hysteria. Benji was walking away with the youth and I hadn't said what I needed to say. To get his attention again I asked, "Benji! Have you ever seen We Bought a Zoo?" (I was hoping to lead into my big announcement by saying something like "Well, I'm going to use 20 seconds of insane courage....") but he turned and said, "Nope. Haven't seen it. Is it good?"

"yep." I replied, and he turned to walk away again
"Benji!" I tried again, "I have to tell you something."
He turned and faced me and crossed his arms across his chest and looked right down at me. I was so scared and beet red and his face was way too close so I stared at the floor while I talked about 80 miles an hour:
"Um you should know I've never done this before. I think you're awesome, and I'm really interested in you, but I consider the ball totally in your court and I just wanted you to know." And I promptly turned to leave.
"Wait! Can't I give you a hug or something?"

So I ran back so he could give me a hug, and I said "and I hope you have a great time in Mexico."

at this point my adrenaline was exploding so I ran off and out of the Wilk and all the way up to the dorms to take care of my poor throwing up girl, grinning all the way.

A creeper picture one of the counselors took of me introducing Chloe to Benji during lunch one day. Everyone already knew I liked him