Today.

Today was a difficult day. My mother says it's because I am grieving the stuff going on with my sweet Abby. I'm normally a pretty positive, happy person. In the medical field, they have you rate your pain on a scale of 1-10, 1 being oh dang I got flicked on the forehead and 10 being MY LEG IS BEING RIPPED OFF WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY HAVING HOT IRONS PRESSED INTO MY EYES.
Today was kind of a 7 on the emotional pain scale. Life just felt too hard. I had a good cry. I sort of stopped crying when I went to college. I can probably count the number of times on one hand that I cried while at school. So I was overdue.
Part of it was because of Abby. She is a golden person. She is naturally kind, naturally sweet, naturally loving. We are exactly 10 years apart and have always been very close. She makes me laugh and cuddles with me and writes me letters and draws me pictures. I took her to buy her baptism dress when she turned 8 and the radio kept playing Uncle Kracker's "You Make Me Smile", so now that's our special song. (Except she mixes the lyrics and sings "you make me smile like a bee, spin like the sun..." it's very entertaining) My heart is broken for her heart.
Another part of it was because I let the Adversary whisper mean things to me about myself. I've gotten pretty good at not listening to his lies but today I was vulnerable. It's an awful, awful feeling to believe those lies, even for a minute. I have to remember that I define myself by what the Savior thinks of me.
So, my motto continues to be: If you don't feel happy, feel grateful. I'm hoping this attitude of gratitude can wash over that number 7 I'm at and help me feel some joy again. There is so, so much joy to be felt.

On the funny side. Tonight at work I got the worst hiccups. SO BAD. I was getting a headache they were that hard core. Some of you know about my special lady that I take care of, she's a quadriplegic and she and I have become such good friends. Anywho, I was putting her roommate to bed and hiccuping all the while. My friend said "Hey, Bethany, there's something wrong with my eyebrow, will you come look real quick?" Me thinking: "seriously? Her eyebrow?? Can't that wait until I'm done with this?" So I go over there and get super close to her face to check her eyebrow and..."BOO!!" I totally screamed and jumped. Then she said "Did it work?" To which I promptly replied with a loud hiccup, followed by outrageous giggling at what she had just tried to pull.
Being a CNA is fun.
(sometimes)